I have the ultimate power to finally teach my co-workers a lesson. Do I dare?

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m about to hit 50 and have been working at a do-gooder co-operative for most of my adult life. I’ve sacrificed much of the financial security I would have had otherwise because I believe so strongly in this cause and in co-operatives in general. I’m financially stable but still live mostly paycheck to paycheck, but a multitude of factors have made me question how I’m spending my life. I recently underwent an assessment for ADHD, and unbeknownst to me, the psychologist assessed my IQ too—it turns out I’m a literal genius. I knew I was smart, but wowza, I had no idea.

The premise of a co-op is that the workers own the means of production and share the rights and responsibilities of ownership. Over the years, I’ve had many co-worker owners share in the rights of ownership, but inevitably the buck stops with me. I was hoping at this point to work with folks who would take on some of the higher level tasks and share in the responsibility of running this place, but as much as younger people talk a good socialist game—from each according to their abilities, to each according to their needs—a combination of disinterest in “harder jobs” and what I perceive as feigned incompetence has left me stuck doing a lot of jobs here that I don’t want or like. In most gigs, seniority means one gets more control over one’s work life, but I have less and less as time goes on. I can’t even take time off without being bombarded by texts and emails from my co-workers about issues they could easily field themselves—despite my setting boundaries around communication during time off.

I was standing in the stockroom the other day, literally counting beans, and I found myself thinking, “I’m a genius, what am I doing with my life?” For what it is worth, I find a lot of the work I do super engaging, but the grunt work and bookkeeping stuff is boring as hell. I love this co-op so much and I desperately want it to exist in the world, but I cannot keep sacrificing my own financial security and happiness for the sake of this co-op—especially when I have co-workers who won’t take on their fair share. I’m resolved to quit within the next year and I have so many things I’d love to do with my time, but I know the organization will shutter if I go. I’m struggling with the ethics around my departure. I can leave with nothing knowing the business will quickly close or I could arrange to lay off some of my co-workers and sell the company’s assets and likely retire on the proceeds. As I’ve put in more paid and unpaid labor into this co-op than anyone in its history, I do feel entitled to some kind of payoff, but it feels pretty unethical to sell out like this after decidedly not selling out for decades. I’m tempted to just step back and watch it crumble, but that doesn’t serve anyone’s interest except my own pettiness. For reference, I am making about double the minimum wage in my area and could have been easily making many times that in any other industry (I worked in IT before this gig).

—Tired Socialist

Dear Tired Socialist, 

You might have answered your own question. Anyone could chime in and tell you to cash out—you’ve worked hard, it’s not your problem, and you deserve it. All of that is probably true. But it’s clear that your values matter a great deal to you. You mentioned a few times that this would be an unethical move. The ethics might be up for debate, but how you feel about it is not—go with your gut. Yes, there’s a part of you that wants to step back and watch things crumble because of your resentment. But feelings like resentment are fickle and fleeting. When the resentment fades, your values will remain. You might feel vindicated in the moment but I worry that you’ll regret it later.

So what can you do? Are you willing to give your co-workers one last chance? Can you put your frustrations, values, and hopefulness into words and tell them how much this cooperative has meant to you? Can you sell them on your vision, and explain to them that they have a chance to continue with it, but that it will require more hard work and commitment than you’ve seen from them? Maybe try putting your thoughts in a letter and have a friend or two look it over. Make that letter as engaging and compelling as possible, and then send it to your co-workers or talk to them about it in person. The whole thing might still crumble after all. But before you leave, you have a chance to make one final effort to make this thing work. If it doesn’t, it will be disappointing, sure. But at least you’ll have stayed true to your values. And if it’s a success, you’ll be glad you gave it one last push.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

We built a loft on our son’s home in Wyoming, and by doing that, it helped them build a grand garage.  Our daughter-in-law helped decorate and coordinate a lot of the building. She now wants to have her family stay while we are not there and, in a way, wants us to work around her family’s schedules. I was OK with that situation but my husband is not and he hasn’t made that clear. It has caused distress between me and my husband and discomfort with my daughter-in-law. Please help! This was supposed to be fun and enjoyable.

—Something That Should Be Fun, Isn’t!

Dear Should Be Fun,

This seems like a problem with a pretty straightforward solution: clear communication. Did you and your husband build their loft with the intention that you would live there or visit for extended periods? Did you have an arrangement to move onto their property, even part-time? It’s unclear whether this additional unit was meant specifically for you and your husband. Your son and daughter-in-law might not be clear on that, either.

It’s time for everyone to get on the same page. Of course, this is ultimately their home. It’s up to them to figure out the guest rules for this new loft. Once they know what you and your husband want, it will be easier for them to do that. Before you reach out to them, come to an agreement with your husband. What kind of arrangement are you both hoping for, and what are you willing to compromise? Maybe your daughter-in-law’s family visits in the summer and you stay there the rest of the year. Or maybe you alternate weekends. Whatever the scenario, your first step is to talk to your husband and come to a consensus about your shared expectations. This way, when you approach your son and daughter-in-law about the situation, you’ll have a specific ask. When you have the conversation with them, be clear about what you’re asking, but be respectful about their boundaries. For example, tell them you understand that the decision is ultimately theirs but that you built the loft intending to stay there most of the time. Then share that still, you would like to share with her family by alternating weekends (or whatever you and your husband agreed upon).

Your solution might be straightforward, but communication isn’t always easy. If they didn’t know you were hoping to stay there more often, they may push back. But if you approach them with a cooperative attitude instead of a combative one, there’s a good chance that they’ll hear you out—and the whole family can get back to keeping things fun.

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m in my late 50s and going through a painful divorce. The one small comfort I have is that with the sale of the family home and savings, I will have close to $1 million in cash. My retirement account has close to $1 million, too. This seems like a lot, but I live in a high-cost-of-living area—especially housing, and my income is below what is needed to live comfortably in my area. Does it make sense to utilize the cash to purchase a house so I won’t have a mortgage? Or take out a small loan to buy a house and keep some cash on hand for emergencies or to grow my retirement funds? I’ve also considered renting for a year to make sure this is the area I want to live in, but rent prices are very high and it seems like a waste of money.

—Money Doesn’t Heal a Broken Heart

Dear Money Doesn’t Heal,

Because this is such a difficult time, I would be careful not to make any quick decisions. For this reason, I wonder if renting is your best bet right now, because it will give you a sense of what kind of life you want to live. It will also help you—quite literally—buy some time to decide what to do with your money.

Major life transitions are also a good time to talk to a financial planner. They can give you a better idea of what to do with your money, depending on various factors: your assets and debts, when you plan to retire, what your salary looks like, and so on.

When it comes to purchasing a home, there are benefits and drawbacks to either choice. You’re lucky to be in a position to pay cash for your house because interest rates are higher than they have been in a long time. Not having a mortgage would help you save more of your paycheck. But if you experience a job loss, that could put you in a vulnerable financial position—you’ll have fewer savings to draw from since all of it went toward your home. I suppose the same is true if you took out a mortgage, but if you lost your job in that scenario, you’d have a hefty emergency fund to pull from. You could also meet yourself somewhere in the middle. What would it look like if you saved a portion of the money and used the rest to put a hefty down payment on the home? You’d have a smaller mortgage and a sizable emergency fund. Ultimately, you have to make this decision based on your own preference and tolerance for risk. But again, that’s where a Certified Financial Planner might come in handy—they can help you figure out what that looks like so you feel confident that you’re making the right decision.

In the meantime, I would take things slow. I know renting seems like throwing your money away, but it’s better than making a decision you might later regret, like buying an expensive home in a neighborhood you don’t love. It will also give your heart time to heal while you think about this next chapter in your life.

Dear Pay Dirt,

I (38F) was raised by a single mom in poverty. In the middle of my junior year of high school, I experienced what I now know to be extreme ADHD burnout. I didn’t take any of my AP tests, and I ended up having to finish my junior and senior years with independent study. What I really wanted to do was take a gap year so I could work and save money, and then figure out what I wanted to do. But my mother was very insistent I go to college. To appease her, I auditioned and was accepted to a private performing arts conservatory. I didn’t get very good college counseling in high school, especially about tuition. The cost of the school was high, even 20 years ago. My mom used some of her pension to pay my tuition, but I needed to take out student loans. I would rather have dropped out than take out student loans because I knew they were bad, but my mom insisted I continue. I didn’t have a plan about how to pay them back.

I graduated and started working a bit in my field, but then the recession happened. Ever since then, I’ve had a hard time with work. I started paying back my student loans when I was working, but obviously, without a job and just unemployment, I couldn’t make the payments. I think the last time I made a payment was maybe in 2010. After being out of work for almost two years, I decided to go back to school and get a BA. I had to start from scratch because none of my credits transferred (the school did not offer a BA at the time). I went to community college, where I had grants and a BOG waiver, so it was basically free. However, I ended up getting pregnant. While my then-boyfriend (now-husband) was in the picture, he was underemployed. I tried to work, go to school, and take care of my son, but it was too much. Sadly, I was only a few units shy of an AA, but the classes I needed weren’t offered online at the time. I did have enough units to be a preschool teacher, and that’s where I spent the first half of my career, with the latter half teaching various art classes. During this time, I’ve dropped in and out of school, with my various credits sometimes transferring and sometimes not. My mental health has also fluctuated (due to the birth of two more children, abuse in my marriage, and financial problems) and I’ve flunked some classes I couldn’t complete. In December of 2023, I was laid off.

Financially, my husband and I are in a place where I don’t necessarily need to work, although things would be more stable if I did. I really want to go back and finish school, but here’s the thing: I’ve actually used up my lifetime federal student aid. I’ve looked for scholarships for moms, women of color, and artists, and I don’t meet the criteria for any of them. I’d basically have to change my major and start all over again, which is frustrating because I have about 200 credits, no degree, and $80,000 in student loan debt. I doubt I would qualify for a private loan. What can I do? I want to get a job with a decent paycheck and retirement, but paying for the local school out of pocket would be a strain on our already tight finances. I haven’t really ever been able to pay back my student loans, and that debt is terrifying to me, but I also know without a job that pays a living wage, I will have it forever. I also want the pride of having a college degree, but how can I pay for it?

—School Me, Please!

Dear School Me, 

There’s so much going on here, and I can feel how overwhelmed you must be. A college degree is great, but the downside—and it’s a big one—is that it will put an even bigger dent in your already daunting debt bill. I worry that this will leave you feeling even more financially overwhelmed. The pressure you feel now to earn more would be even greater.

You also mentioned abuse in your marriage. I’m not sure if your current husband is the same one with whom this abuse was happening. But if so, you should seriously consider the role that finances can play in abusive relationships. When he’s the breadwinner, taking on more debt might leave you feeling more stuck than ever. You should also talk to someone—Women’s Law and Safe Horizon are options. These resources can help with building a community around you. The more support you have, the easier it is to not feel stuck.

I understand your desire to increase your earning potential. Despite the hugely rising cost of tuition, college graduates still earn more than non-graduates. But if you don’t have a clear plan about what kind of job you want and the degree you’ll need to get there, the debt might not be worth it.

Do you have a specific job or industry in mind? Is a degree necessary for it? You mentioned the need to switch majors, so it sounds like you might not have figured that out yet. These days, going to college without a plan can be risky. The skyrocketing cost of tuition forces us to see college as less of a place for broad learning and more of an investment decision. In other words, if you don’t know what degree you want, how necessary it is for your desired industry, and how much it will increase your earning potential, I would think twice about taking out another loan. If you do have a clear plan for school, that might be a different story. You will likely still have to take out a loan, but be careful about the lender and the details—things like the interest rate you’ll be charged once you get your degree. Credit unions might be a good place to start your search.

There are plenty of accomplishments to be proud of aside from a degree. Paying off debt, for example, is a big milestone. I wonder if this push for more schooling could be a distraction. Is it a way to avoid having to think about your debt? (Start by looking into repayment plans and different ways you could eventually qualify for loan forgiveness.) Or to search for a stable job? If this sounds like it might ring true, it may be worth focusing your efforts on getting your financial life in order first. And then, if you still feel like college is the right choice, you can come up with a degree and career plan…and how it will pay off. A strong financial footing will make that easier.

—Kristin

Classic Prudie

Most of my friends have known one another for 15 years (we’re mostly in our 30s). I’ve been sleeping with one of them, “Jake,” once or twice a month for the past eight years. He’s been with his girlfriend for six years (I know). I liked our arrangement because it truly was no strings attached. Jake’s girlfriend has never really been part of our friend group, so I don’t know her very well.