Saving money in the wurst of times

We decided to learn German this week. And it’s all because of the heat and humidity. They make us mad. Actually, just about everything makes us mad. Like when we mailed the guy down the street some stuff 10 years before he absolutely had to have it only it got lost in the black hole at the processing place and didn’t show up until yesterday when it wasn’t good anymore. Or when you try to open one of those little condiment packages made of impenetrable plastic that just crinkles this way and that and so you gnaw on it until it breaks and then it squirts ketchup, mustard or relish all over your brand new shirt and there’s no time to change into something clean because the presentation you’re making starts in five minutes.

That makes us mad, too.

That’s where the German part comes in. You can’t speak it without sounding like you’re about to bite someone’s head off. Unlike French — a language consisting only of soothing vowels — German is exclusively hard consonants. Which mean just about everything you say is automatically accompanied by gallons of flying spittle and what sounds like Bill the Cat ridding himself of an annoying hairball.

Achtung! And Ack-kaff! Can anybody really tell the difference?

Ah, but there’s a far more practical reason for our sudden desire to sprechen sie Deutsch. It’s out of necessity. With eggs selling for 200 bucks apiece and bread going for 20 dollars a slice, we’ve got to find a way to cut back on unnecessary expenses. And that’s something those who are fluent in the Teutonic tongue — and we’re not making this up — seem to be particularly adept at doing. Yes, we know it sounds like something straight out of Jeff Foxworthy, but it’s scientifically proven to be true.

If you speak German, you’re more likely to be a penny pincher.

To be sure, the study that brought this previously unknown truism to light only examined the linguistic preferences of people living in three different regions of Switzerland. Nevertheless, economist Benjamin Guin’s analysis found that German-speaking households were 11% more likely to save money than those where French or Italian were the dominant languages used. Primarily, because those affiliated with the Germanic culture have a “thing” about debt. They really, really don’t like it.

You wouldn’t either, if somebody jolted you out of a sound sleep at 3 o’clock every morning by screaming “Fahrvergnugen” an inch or so from your face.

Now we know what you’re thinking. You’ll never be able to master the dialect, which means you’ll be spending the rest of your life eating nothing but David Ramsey’s favorite dish. Pork and beans. Wrong again, Captain Lexicon! With more than 350 words either spelled the same way in German as in English — or similar enough that even preschoolers can figure them out — you too will soon be recording hit singles about pig-headed dogs, just like The Royal Guardsmen did in 1966.

Especially when your bi-weekly arbeitslosigkeitsversicherung — that’s your unemployment check — fails to cover the cost of the streichholzschachtel — that’s the box of matches you’ll need to find your way around your home at night.

But if you’re not up to the challenge, there is always Plan B. Live in the same house all your life. And go grocery shopping at midnight. When clearance-priced food is 80% off. That’s how Warren Buffet and Mark Cuban became billionaires. And you can, too. Anytime someone wants you to spend money, simply scream “Nein” at the top of your lungs.

And be sure to use lots of spittle.

Talk Back with Doug Spade and Mike Clement is heard every Saturday morning from 9 a.m. to noon Eastern Time at www.localbuzzradio.com, Facebook Live and www.dougspade.com.

This article originally appeared on The Daily Telegram: Talk Back: Saving money in the wurst of times